I am getting a domain. so this is possibly the last post i'd ever post on this blog. yet, it's unbearable, that i must post this last post.

i have come to realise that blogging is a kind of a release from myself. that i am telling my own feelings to myself, getting clearer about myself. this is something that i do often, even before my entrance into the blogging world, during the time when talking to myself was still a habit un-curbed.

Tonight is about my worst night ever. a sudden realisation.

I have barred him from the heart of my soul for way too long. or any other friend if that matters. the thing is, i've gotten hurt too many times. i'd break if i get hurt once more.

pple i considered to be true friends once, i have unconciously avoided revealing too much of me to them. pple who i tot i have long forgotten or no longer care abt, i realise i was self-decieving.

i donno what's true happiness about.

what am i slugging here, pushing time for pts, doing my best in project work, trying to please everyone at the same time?

why am i searching for happiness in all the wrg places? or that i search in the right place but could not get it.
it seemed to be just centimetres away moments ago..

reality crashed onto me.

i donno what i care about anymore. i m unsure of my passions. my once firm and unwavering determination in my ambitions, goals and values has collapsed. i am losing my character.

all for what?

i tell myself i don care about him.
i tell myself i don really mind that my sis doesn't put me on the "impt" list.

self-decieving again.

the fact: those two are the ones that i care about MOST.

i really tried. the day i asked whether he want that dragon sword was the day i told myself i shall not forgive him ever again.

but then i realise now. what that meant was that his betrayal was the worst ever.

kindergarden, teacher turned against me, who was once the apple of her eye. pri 4, my best friends lived as normal without me, they daoed me, and i feel neglected. pri 5, alvin kor stopped talking to me. the point of my existance for the entire year in pri 4 collapsed. i had to learn to go back on my friends who returned. sec 1, i tried so hard to "exist" in school. end of sec 2, my newly found "clique" betrayed me. they no longer consider me as part of them. then came his betrayal. the worst ever. and now my sis.

i realised my fault. i put too much on others. i've got to learn to put some bet on myself.
but i've become to fragile to hold something as heavy as a bet of happiness.
i need a stable support while i learn. but this is what i lack.

if one day i die, i'd have everything to regret.
but if one day i die, i'd stop my immersion in the illusion of happiness.

does happiness even exist?

is friendship feasible?

or am i fated to be lonely?

i really wished i could go back to when i was truly happy.

Change of decision

  Hitsugaya roared again @ 7:03 PM
 

Tuesday, January 24, 2006